I looked back to the earliest days of my blog today and what a different world it described, a world that I barely recognise now. In fact, that there was once a time when I was married and would come home to a family seems within my mind at least just a story that I once heard and not something that was ever real.
http://sulkandpout.blog.co.uk/2006/04/01/my_son~695121/
It seems almost impossible to grasp that each night for seventeen years I would sleep with someone who now only ever joins me in my dreams as a figure to argue and fight with. How hard to imagine that there was once a time when I felt that she would be my companion until death.

Other Octobers drift into my mind, two years ago I was leaving behind the home that I loved, as I am preparing to move on from the big pink elephant that I rent now. But what a change, then I was grief stricken http://sulkandpout.blog.co.uk/2007/10/07/this_is_the_last~3100286/
and now I am simply glad to move on before this house fall in on top of me! I'm looking forward to having a garden that I can tend do and simply being able to declare that somewhere is my home rather than feeling that I am in a waiting room waiting.

Further back still and I am a child in a balaclava gathering chestnuts on Tilburstow Hill with my mother who is ten years younger than I am now, I am a teenager being sick at my best friend's party having drunk too much whisky, I am getting married and I have no-one to talk too about my worries, I am scoring my first try for the rugby club, I am breaking someones heart, all of them somehow me though each feels so different and so far away.

Time sweeps by, never stopping, always onward like some incurable optimist looking to the next challenge but I have always stopped and looked back though the tide always pulls in the opposite direction.