A School for Angels
Are you sitting comfortably? Well believe me one of you won’t be by the end of the story!
Now you may find this far fetched but angels do in fact need training and have to attend school. Normally the selection process is straightforward with the obviously good recently dead being chosen. However, sometimes things don’t go quite so smoothly. People are economical with the truth in the interview with St. Peter, or claim a little overmuch in their cv’s. These people are easy to weed out in class due to their transparently evil answers to basic ethical questions and have to attend purgatory until they can gain a ‘Good’ kitemark. No the problems at angel school come from those that have actually led blameless lives but who really wanted to be a bit more, shall we say wicked, but were too afraid when alive to give in to their dark and devious urges. Now with the prospect of eternity ahead of them they feel a bit freer to experiment as what is one year of mischief when set against an infinite number of years?
Now our story concerns Tim, who certainly fits the latter category. Tim was rather surprised to be even attending the school in the first place what with the Not Believing in God which he would have considered to have been held against him. Still there he was at the front of the class fluffing up his wings and polishing his halo and wondering whether spending his afterlife in school was some cruel joke that fate had played on him as after all he had died of a heart attack in the middle of teaching a rather stimulating lesson on The Haber Process!
The room hushed and a rather tall, and if truth be told, somewhat scary angel entered. “My name is Veronica and I am the Head Mistress of this academy. Our teaching is a little traditional here but you know what it says in he Bible, ‘Spare the rod and spoil the angel’ She let out a little laugh and all the angels joined in hoping to gain a little favour with her. Tim winced, ‘How could they all be such toadies?’ he thought. At which point his halo fell off his head and hit the floor with a loud clang. The Head mistress looked at him and smiled. “No doubt we will be seeing a lot of each other in the coming weeks.” Tim gave her his best angelic smile before slipping his halo back on.
To be continued ……….
Things went quite smoothly for a little while but one day the angels regular teacher was ill. Didn’t you realize there are still illnesses in heaven? Whatever did you think happened to good viruses when they died? Anyway the lessons were covered by a supply angel. The topic of the day was ‘Intelligent Design’ and Tim and his new friend Dawkins had a rare old time asking ‘innocently’ about the human appendix and wasn’t it rather inefficient that 90% of cheetahs died before reaching adulthood which got the supply angel so flustered that she called for the Head Teacher for clarification and the Head Teacher herself got rather muddled too when it was pointed out to her that when the animals went into Noah’s Ark if two bacteria started on the gangplank by the time they reached the ark itself they would have multiplied about fifty thousand times which seemed a bit of an unfair advantage on all the other animals present and also in the cramped and potentially unhygienic conditions present on the Ark rather a health risk too. The Head Teacher suggested that while on the Ark the microorganisms had called a truce which conjured up the strange picture of large numbers of bored bacteria with nothing to do but swish their flagellae all day.
I’m sure Tim would have been forgiven for his innocent mischief making but that night in the dormitory he pushed his luck too far. You see Tim made a little discovery about halos which was that when thrown they made the perfect Frisbee and with a little skill they could be made to come back to you like a boomerang. So while all the other angels were tucked up in bed saying their prayers he was out in the corridor perfecting his technique. Now the speed at which the halo returned depended on the amount of spin put on it. Tim was getting quite confident and perhaps overdid the spin as his halo completed a perfect return journey but then shot over his head and through a stained glass window depicting Saint Jude ‘The Patron Saint of Lost Causes’. Before he could think of running a door swung open and there was Veronica, the Head Mistress.
“Tim collect your halo and report to my office immediately!” Was all that needed saying and Tim did as he was bid. Veronica’s office was a little way down the corridor, certainly far enough for Tim to build up a sense of trepidation. Inside, it was booklined, there was a desk with a plain chair behind it, a dark oak cupboard and surprisingly a piano and piano stool. On the desk was a laptop computer. Veronica switched it on.
“On your first day here I explained that our education was traditional and that also includes our discipline.” Tim shuffled awkwardly.
“I believe that nowadays it is customary to give choices to those that can’t behave. Is that correct?” Tim nodded. “Well here is your choice, you can go to Purgotary or accept my punishment which will be a soundly spanked bottom. To aid you in your choice I will show you a glimpse of your personal purgatory.” Deftly, Veronica selected an icon with a P
“Oh God not PowerPoint” Tim thought . But it wasn’t, the screen cleared and it was a movie. Tim recognised the scene at once and also recognised the person at the front. “Good morning class I will be your chemistry teacher for the next forty years. Today’s topic is permanent and temporary hard water.” Tim had already seen enough to make his decision.
“I’ll take the spanking.” He said.
“I think that is the correct choice.” Veronica said. “One more choice, however, will you be spanked for two minutes on your pants or one minute on your bare bottom?”
“Ill take the minute .” Tim said a little anxiously.
“Put your halo on the desk , fold up your wings and come and stand by me.”
Tim did as he was told. Veronica sat on the piano stool and turned Tim to face the clock on the wall. She swiftly undid the top button of his trousers and lowered them to his knees. She patted her lap and Tim lay across it. She put her thumb into the band at the top of his underpants and firmly pulled them down. Tim felt the cool night air on his exposed bottom. He turned his head to look into her eyes and then almost imperceptibly she winked at him and then the clock begun to chime and the first stinging swipe landed on his buttocks and Tim realised that after all that he had led a good life and was receiving his very own personal reward in heaven.
PS What a body! Don't tell me it's yours because I won't believe it anyway.
That Veronica was a self-indulging devil if you ask me